The Fall

I wish I could be the woman I want to be. The one I always dreamed of in my head, the one I used to be in my younger years or at least a semblance of it.

I wonder where it all went wrong. Was I coddled too much? Was I told I was special all the time that I took everything for granted? Or was my head up in the clouds for too long that I forgot to come back down to earth and paint my vision from the skies?

My heart is heavy and at the same time, it is breaking into a million pieces. Tears well up in my eyes but cannot tumble down, not without a scream escaping my lips. So here I am, silently screaming and breaking inside while still trying to be the woman I always dreamed of becoming.

My strength waned or maybe it was never from within me. Maybe it was drawn from something else and I lost it.

I cannot stand to see myself in this weakened state.

In life we all yearn for finality, we are coursing through it to reach an uncertain place which we think is the final destination. I have decided to skip all those steps and just get to the end.

And I hope you will forgive me for it.

I folded my letter and kept it in plain sight, on the mantelpiece in the dining room and walked ahead to the balcony in our unused guest room.

I chose a beautiful night to die. The sky was filled with stars just the way I liked it with a cool breeze and a city still asleep. I took in the sight one last time and proceeded to the edge.

And I fell.

The exhilaration of the jump wore off quick and I kept falling, moments passed but I never seemed to hit the ground. My calm demeanour before the jump turned to distress; I just wanted it over quick.

A soft laugh filled the air and I heard a soothing voice asking me to close my eyes. I obeyed without question and I saw what I expected; glimpses of my life. A rattle on a worn mosaic floor, a bruised knee, a crayon drawing among others and suddenly it flash-forwarded to my father and mother crying silently, the same soft laugh was heard once more as the scene played out in my head. I couldn’t look them in the eye, I felt guilty, ashamed and helpless. Seeing them cry is the worst.

“That’s not all.” said the voice.

Another scene, on a much happier and sunnier day. I stood on stage in my graduation gown and I saw my parents smiling, their unvoiced pride shining in their eyes. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Questions formed about reality in my head and I let out my first scream of the night.

“Oh but this is just the beginning.” The musical voice retorted.

Then came the friends I have had, the ones who stuck by my side, the ones who abandoned me, the ones who I left behind, and the ones that faded gracefully. Moments of pure joy when all you need is a friend to fight beside you. Where are you now, I wondered. Fights, betrayals, love and contentment, all of it replayed once more, yet I still kept falling.

My frantic mutters of denial went unheard as I relived my best and worst. All I want is a clean end.

From annoyance to admiration to ignorance are my favourite persons who got caught up in the storms of life, the harsh look on their face during our last conversation was etched into my mind over and over, it was no surprise that I saw this now.

But then came the kind words spoken when I cried and the hearty look in their eyes shared over silent jokes. And for one fleeting moment, I longed to go back and make amends with my siblings.

My eyes were unwillingly shut and the fall seemed eternal. I implored for it all to end and the musical laughter echoed.

And now came the shadows of the men I have hurt and the ones who hurt me. The fear of loving and being loved, the fear inside that it would all fade away and all that would remain is a drug I was high on. I have made it a sham and so have others. I was scared to believe in fairy tales when the chances of being swept away on my feet are slim considering how I lived among a lazy generation.

But one man stood out, the one I love the most and the one I have hurt the most. I will never forgive myself for the tears that filled his eyes. The one man who loved me the most and hurt me the most. The one who made me believe in a more realistic version of a fairy tale.

The moments flitted between stolen kisses and hurtful words, sweet smiles and sour faces, broken promises and wedding vows. I never wanted to let you go but I have to. I have to let myself go only because I don’t want to drag you down with me.

“And the last one” murmured the soft voice

A cherubic babe looked up at me, gurgling and giggling unshared words and joy, a tiny chubby hand reached out and touched my face. I do not know who you are little one, but you filled me with a fierce love, the kind which made me want to protect you from all the harm in this world. You cooed as I took you in my arms, your sweet innocent eyes staring at me and a sense of peacefulness washed over me.

I don’t want to die.

The musical tone of the voice soured into something poisonous. “Too late. And now; despair”

I opened my eyes just as my head hit the pavement.

Author's note: If you could relate to the despair in this story or if you are on the verge of giving up, I implore you to keep going on. I promise you that good things are yet to come.