Three decades of my solar return

I completed three decades of my life today and it feels surreal. I certainly don't feel like I did. At least not today.

I had my apprehension about how it is going to be when I hit the unspeakable number but surprisingly, with surprises in store, I feel good. In fact I feel great about it

I have my husband and friends to thank for it for pulling off a pre birthday surprise at home.

I was all set to go out for dinner and the door bell rings and I find my friends with balloons and birthday cheesecake and donuts!

But I was in a daze the whole evening, partly because I was happy and overwhelmed, partly wondering what it's going to be like now that I am no longer in my twenties.

Sometimes I feel like 2010 was a long time ago yet other times I could close my eyes and still feel the sweet bliss of being sixteen.

Safe to say that I have grown as a person but I am still growing and learning and evolving.

Is there such a thing called grown up? Just because I have reached a certain age does not mean that I won't make mistakes, it just won't be the mistakes from the last decade.

Am I wiser? Yes. And also no. Like I said, I am still learning and that's the best part.

My friend reminded me that today is special and that I have things to look forward to that I never had to think of much during my twenties.

Deciding to focus on the good things.

I feel grateful for where I am now, for the friends and family I have and for the life lessons I have learned. When I think of what I have accomplished, I try to look at the times when I felt like I have impacted someone's life in a positive way even if it was something simple.

And I hope I continue on the path of healing and being a better person, I hope I find new dreams as I work on old ones. I hope I continuue to forgive and accept and let go.

But most importantly, I hope that I find hope when I most need it, and I hope that I can continue to pass it along when someone else needs it.

Who knows? Maybe some of my views will change after another decade but that's how it is.

Right now I am not so young and not so old. And it is not the end of the world, it's just turning thirty.